Funny Sexy Quotes

Laughter is one of the best aphrodisiacs so enjoy my collection of favourite sexy and funny quotes. Most of them are anonymous; some of them have been used countless times in films and greeting cards. The truth is that if a man -or a woman- can make you laugh, then you might be able to be with him for the rest of your days. Once the lust and romance have subdued what is left is someone with whom you can enjoy your life!

"Sex is like a bridge game; if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand." Mae West

"Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part" Aimee Mullins

"Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."-Sophia Loren

"I don't use my body to seduce, no. I just stand there." Ursula Andress

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be."-Brigitte Bardot

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone.

"It is better to be looked over than overlooked" Mae West.

"I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it." Mae West

"A hard man is good to find." Mae West

"I'm into bondage. I think it's really fun, and I love playing the part of the damsel in distress. ... The feeling is amazing when someone [spanks me] right." Dita Von Teese Said marrying rocker Marilyn Manson.

If you are not in the mood:

"The Parts That aren't Hurting aren't Working."

"I Don't Remember How to Do It."

For married people:

"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects"

"Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him." Marilyn Monroe

"I'm so good in sex because I practice a lot on my own"

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom"

"Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk"

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all"

"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women"

Software is like Sex. Its better when it is free

"Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love." Woody Allen

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

"Once they call you a Latin Lover, you're in real trouble. Women expect an Oscar performance in bed." Marcello Mastroianni

About Women:

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes Benz 380L convertible." PJ O'Rourke

"A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man." Mignon McLaughlin

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel? - Billy Connolly

Only for clever, mathematically minded people:

"The angle of the dangle is equally proportional to the heat of the meat provided that the urge to surge remains constant." I must admit, that I still do not get this one, but I thought I would include it anyway to see if any of you do!

Only for literature lovers:

"Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie."-William Shakespeare

"Were kisses all the joys in bed, one woman would another wed." Shakespeare

For history lovers:

"My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me."-Bette Midler

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer."

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"Sex is just like hacking. You get in, you get out. And you pray you left nothing behind"

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant."-Henry Miller

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin

"Having sex can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner"

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen

"The psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty and I said, 'It is if you're doing it right.'" -Woody Allen

"In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact". Marlene Dietrich

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady)